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ChromeOxideBlack
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Name: BeccaTFG
Location: Houston, Texas, United States
Gender: Female
Interests: I'm a pretty well rounded person. I love: Music, Photography, Concerts, Shiny things, Good times, Good books, Family, Little rugrats, Friends, Good food, Video Games, Shell necklaces, the Beach, Sleeping, Love, Guys and Girls, Hookah, Dancing, Watching tv, Movies of all kinds...so on so forth..haha
Expertise: I'm a pimp. Just ask my friends, they'll tell you all about it. I am an expert helping people. I'm an expert at loving people, putting my heart out there and getting it smashed, looking for love in all the wrong places, working at HEB(puke), having a good time, chilling with good people, loving my family and friends and my puppies, spending money on useless things, taking care of my friends, expert ATV driver(haha), expert listener....yadda yadda...
Occupation: Student
Industry: Medical
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  ChromeOxideBlack
MSN: morphine_becca@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  ChromeOxideBlack
Member Since:
5/30/2004
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| Okay so it's been a while...I've actually been too scared to write anything in a while because there is so much going on in my life and relationship life it's crazy.
Let's start with the smaller things first...
Paola and I are still great. She is actually moving closer to me now since her and Thomas broke up recently and her job is over here on my side of the world. I'm really happy about this. The only thing I had a problem with was her being alone with my boyfriend only because Nat did want to holler at her the first time they met, but I got over it. Otherwise we're really good and I'm still her bestie and she is mine.
Jacob is done and over for real. I haven't talked to him in months. He got a new girlfriend, she's 18 years old. I figured he'd learn his lesson about the young ones, but he went even younger this time around. I missed him for a while, but I realized that I went a whole year without him and I'll be find without him again. It was nice having him around for a while though, but like everyone said...when he's got tail he doesn't care about anyone else.
Enough about the smaller things...Let's get on to my boyfriend, Nat. Haha...
Okay so I know the last thing I said was I was going to give the guy another chance and I did...At first, I was not very serious about our relationship because he was talking to another girl named Michelle, who lived in San Antonio, and was still all about moving out there again 'to be with his family'. So Of course, since he was talking to other people..I was too. I mean how fair is it for me to be spending all my time on one guy who wasn't doing the same for me. We were together, but not. But over time Nat started opening up to me again and slowly stopped talking to other girls...and started telling me he loved me again, and telling me that he wanted us to work out. I really liked the idea and it made me happy but it was just such a hard time...I was the happiest person but also the saddest. Domingo, Nat's step-dad, was causing a lot of problems. At first he was really cool and he was cool to be around, but after a while he started turning into a jerk because he can't find a job and can't drink, this is still ongoing which is why I used those words. So just when everything is getting seemingly perfect, Domingo gets a job interview in San Antonio...I was so upset! I was way depressed for a while. Just thinking that Nat could be leaving me again was the worst! I hated it! It was hard every day thinking that I would be alone again. But there were other job interviews and none of them called back either...so for now I'm a little at ease because Nat was going to go along with them and possibly leave me because it would be too hard for us to do a long distance relationship. But anyways...We started talking about it more and he came to realize that he didn't want to leave me at all, he wants to be here with me and not leave me because it would hurt him just as much if he left me, because he really does love me. So everything is great right now, he's been working a lot lately, but he's happy with me and we're really happy together. It's been a long road to get here but it's worth it.
I don't know what I would be doing right now if I hadn't allowed him another chance to make things right. I don't know what I was waiting for while we were apart, but I guess it worked out for the best. I really have always loved him and even though he's done some fucked up shit to me, he still loves me and wants to make it work out in the end. We wasted so much time being upset with each other. Everything is so awesome now..I have never loved him as much as I love him now. He's doing so much to stay here and to keep me happy. I have never had a boyfriend who wanted me so much and wanted to keep me around the way he does. I've never been so happy. I thought I was happy with other guys but I realized now that Nat is one of the most amazing people to ever enter my life, we just had to get through the bullshit to make it to the happy part of our lives. And it doesn't even bother me when we talk about having a place together, getting married, having kids, getting old together. Funny thing is I actually want it...really bad. I want to be happy with Nat for the rest of my life. It's very possible. :) I'm so happy. I couldn't by any happier and I wouldn't change anything. :)
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| So it's been a while since I've written on here. Lots has happened and changed since then...Even though it hasn't been that long.
Let's start off with Jacob. We hung out a few times since my last entry and it's always been cool between us. Yes, I definitely still wanted more out of him, but I understand that he wasn't exactly over Katy to begin with and I'm almost sure that he wanted something other than coming back to me. And I understand that...I'd be weary too, we had a rough relationship and he trusts that I'm different now, but he's only got my word to go by...and what he has seen. I was just happy to spend time with him and have him around, the few times I actually got to spend with him. But he stopped talking to me...I don't know why because he hasn't responded to anything I've sent, whether it be text or message on myspace. It's okay though...he has his own life now and I'm just a friend so I can't be mad at him if he doesn't want to talk to me. I'm just a little sad though. I really miss talking to him, it was like an indulgence that was sneaky, lusty, and very exciting...So I'm kind of upset it's over, but I can't do anything about it. I just miss him...
Next up is Nat...So New Year's, I happened to hang out with his family at Loggia's and end up cornered into talk to him. So he tells me that he wants to work things out and start over as friends to see where it goes. I'm kind of not to happy with it, but I guess everyone deserves a second chance. BUT I cannot get over the fact that he is still talking to other females...It hurts me that I'm going out of my way to try and make something work when someone is not putting the same amount of effort as I am. So I don't understand his deal with wanting to talk to young girls. It's weird to me, while I'm standing right in front of him and hoding my heart out to him...he can still look straight past me and want someone else. I really don't know why I try so hard. I'm feeling like it's not worth it, to go through the drama and pain I went though the first time, because I already know what's going to happen...he's going to talk to her and string me along again. It irritates me just thinking about it. I figured I'd go into the situation without thinking, but that backfired on me the first day after we hung out for the first time again. I was upset yes and I made it hard for him to talk to me the next time we hung out, but I went a little over my limit that night and end up yelling and screaming with him...Just arguing about shit. He told me that he was planning on moving to San Antonio in a while, this completely floored me...I have never cried so hard over a guy. It's like that child cry, to where you're hyperventilating and shit. So I figured I'd give him a chance and make it a little easier to talk to me, but he hasn't made the effort so I'm backing off again because I don't want to get hurt again. I hate that he fights his feelings for me...I hate it so much. I just want him to realize what is in front of him. But that's too hard for him and he wants something different for himself, so I'm going to let him have it. I feel like I've tried hard enough and if it's not enough, I'm not going to allow him to drag me around again. Fuck it. I'm too good for bullshit.
Christine...I miss her already. I got to hang out with her for her last night in Houston. It was really cool. I like the relationship we have...we can have our fun but we know that it's just not meant to work out as a girlfriend/girlfriend relationship. I love her so much...but I can't be with her and be so far away from her at the same time, I need here and now...but I will definitely be making trips to San Antonio to go see her. She makes me happy. I wish something could have come from our playfulness but I'm happier knowing we can just be friends and still do our thing :)
So Jeff talked to me again. I thought at first he was trying to make me jealous because he kinda threw it out there that he had a new girl by New Year's. I wasn't jealous by any means but I was kind of annoyed with him waking me up at crazy hours. So I talked to him just recently and it was just small talk at first, but then he told me he still liked me. Which is understandable because there wasn't anything really wrong with our relationship..but I let him go because I was trying to stop myself from doing something stupid and hurting him for no reason. He's a good guy and doesn't need to deal with my drama. But I do miss someone that liked me for who I am and appreciated me. I haven't had that in a while. A clean slate relationship, where the guy doesn't know my past or doesn't have anything against me because we are getting to know each other for the first time. Eh, we have just been talking..nothing serious. He lives too far for me to be with him and I still want to be single just for the fact that I know I can't give someone 100%.
Anyway, I'm not confused right now, but I do see what's happening in my life and I know what's good for me, despite what people have been telling me. I'm not stupid, I might want to try to be naive, but I know what's going on.
I want a bad boy with a good heart.
Looks to kill, but cherishes my love because I'm better than anyone else.
Loves me unconditionally and makes me happy.
I'm just waiting. Waiting for him to find me.
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| I feel like a thousand pounds have been lifted off my chest with the end of this semester! My grades were great and I'm proud of all the hard work I've done this year to get those grades. Ahhhhh! So my last final was way emotional...Dr. Schwartz and I have a history, when I took Microbiology the first time around, I wasn't serious about school and doing work, or making the effort to make good grades. So when I decided to retake his class, he was happy to see me back, of course, but told me that he has seem remarkable change in me...It made me so proud of myself that I drove myself harder than ever to make the best grade I could. After my final, all I really wanted was to shake his hand and thank him for a wonderful semester and the opportunity to do better, but he started welling up and then his voice shook as he was talking to me and I almost started crying too...AHH! It was so amazing.
So let's get to what's really on my mind. Jacob. But when I think about him...I don't know what words to speak or write. I'm not confused, but I'm just all scattered over him. I want him so bad. But I know where he's at in his life...he's not over Katy, he won't be anytime soon. I told him I didn't want to be his re-bound and he understood. But I want to be there for him...I have always loved him and cared about him, I just don't want to get hurt if Katy came back and told him she wanted to start over. I know I would have given up everything to have that second chance too. I understand what he's going through, I've been there before.
I wish I could just tell him exactly how I felt about him...But he doesn't need that added stress on top of the situation at hand. I've always felt for Jacob. I'm not saying that I'm not over him, but he's always been a part of my train of thought...Not that I think about him every waking second, but he's someone that has never faded from my memory. For so long I wanted it to just go away, but now that he's a part of my life again, I wouldn't say it makes me nostalgic but close enough that I could want that back. I do want it back. I want him back. But I'm not sure the feelings are mutual. I mean physically, yes. But otherwise, not sure.
I'm still sticking to the "Let's have fun" thing though... I love not being tied down and not having to answer to anyone. But at the same time, I'd love to have someone that wants to be adventurous with me and love me. Ugh...Oh well, one day at a time.
"I've seen the best and worst of you
But we're sticking through
Because without all of the ups and downs
We've been through
You know that its true
That I could get really sick and tired of you."
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| It feels really good to not be tied down to anyone right now. I felt kind of shitty for breaking it off with Jeff, but he acted like a man about it..not like a little boy. I'm so happy. I really liked Jeff, but I couldn't be serious about our relationship. I broke up with him on Friday. I was straight up with him and told him that it's not that he did anything wrong or there was anything wrong with our relationship, I just don't feel like I can handle a serious relationship without being a bitch or hurting him and that he didn't deserve that. That's exactly what Nat did to me and I don't want to be a hypocrite by doing the exact same thing to someone else, string them along and make them feel a certain way when I know nothing is going to become of that relationship. We are still friends, which also makes me happy, but it's because I wasn't attached to him. Maybe I was a little bit, but not enough to ruin another good friendship.
Oh man...so I'm still not completely over everything...Not like I'm sitting here crying my eyes out or anything, but I have trouble sleeping. If I don't take something to knock me out..I will not be able to get rest. It's terrible. This is the second time I've had to revert to something like this...Back when Jacob was in and out of my life, I had to take sleeping pills to get my rest...and It's happening again now, after Nat. I hate this. I can go through the entire day without thinking about something like that, but when I'm alone laying in my bed trying to fall asleep the wheels in my head start spinning out of control. It's not just boy drama that keeps me awake, it's also the end of the semester and I'm feeling anxious about finals. I worry about what's going to happen next year, about loosing my insurance, about how I'm going to get a new job, about money, about nursing school, about taking the ACT, about everything. It's so stressful and it keeps me awake. I feel bad and like an addict, but I have no other choice in the matter, I have to get my rest. Otherwise, I would not be as pleasant as I always seem to be.
So I saw that Jacob and Katy broke up. Wow. Wow. Wow. I think that's all I can say for the moment. No, I'm lying. hahah....I feel bad for Jacob, I think he really loved her, but I feel like I called it way back when. I said that she was young and will want to do whatever she wants, who seriously wants to be tied down and married at 21? Yes, when I was with Jacob and found out that he wanted to marry me I know I wanted it more than anything, but now that I'm older and I've had time to experience things, that I would have never gotten to do as a married person, I feel for Katy. I wouldn't want her to loose out on the best years of her life, but I mean it's not anywhere near my decision. I've kept my distance, even though I want to go in for the kill, but I don't want to be a re-bound again. That shit sucks harder than anything. Been there with Nat and I never want to do that again. You get used and thrown out once that person gets back on their feet. But I've noticed that I'm thinking about Jacob way too much lately. I miss him so much now, it's driving me nuts...yet another reason I have trouble sleeping at night.
I've adopted a new line..."Let's have fun". I'm so tired of being so serious about everything. It's something that's gotten me in to so many painful situations and depressions that I have learned to not take everything seriously. I just want to have fun and take everything in for what it's worth. I'm happy being single and I don't want to be tied down anytime soon, not saying that if someone comes along, that I'm interested in I won't see what they're all about, but not be so jaded and wall myself in my own little world. I've missed out on so much during the past few years of my life because I was so focused on being with someone and having someone there that I forgot about myself. I don't regret it, but it does make me feel like I need this change even more every time I think about my past relationships.
"Let's have some fun and never change that for anyone. Try not to miss me when I'm gone."
Peace.
EDIT - So Jeff made me feel like shit by telling me that I shouldn't have broken up with him via text. I mean what the fuck was I suppose to do? I got overwhelmed thinking about it, by myself, at work, in the gas station so I did the only thing I could do at the time and that was send a fucking text message. If I could have called I fucking would have. When I get something that I need to do in my head, I try NOT to think about it or distract myself, but there was nothing to distract me while I was by myself, at work, in the gas station...sitting there thinking that I need to break it off with this KID before I break his little fucking heart over something stupid I might potentially do. So fuck me for breaking up with him to SAVE him from ME via text message, right? Shit. If I really wanted to I could have been a major bitch about this...but I said, "Okay." Thank God for blogging...otherwise someone would have a new asshole.
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| So picking up from where I left off...
Nat and I "were" friends for a minute, but his intentions weren't in the right place.
This is what happened. Halloween, we go to San Antonio to meet up with friends. It was cool, Nat was being all lovey dovey as usual because he's under the influence of alcohol or weed, so he was telling me things I wanted to hear like "I've been thinking about us lately". Okay...But when the weekend was over I was back to being the nobody he calls on when he's lonely.
Another week goes by, he calls me up on Friday to come hang out. Okay, I go over there, it's kind of awkward because I basically end up taking care of Abby, I love her to death but she's not the reason why I went over. So anyway, Bad thing happened...Emilio split town and didn't say anything to anyone. Nat was upset so I was being nice and I spent time with him... Derek calls and says come hang out at Stafford Ice House...We were having a great night, and he also says "What are you doing next weekend? I will have money so I want to take you out." I say nothing, but I'll let him know.. Come back home though, to Rudy and Angie arguing about something...It's getting late so I decide to go home, I'm not drunk but a little tipsy...Nat says, "I'd really like it if you stayed." So I stay the night and wake up together, how lovely...but I leave and that's the end of that.
It's like Monday the next time we talk, I'm under the impression we're going out this weekend together, so he sends me an IM saying, "Are you going to party with us this Friday?" I'm like Us? Who is Us? So since he was drunk when he told me that he wanted to go out this weekend, he forgot and invited people over to his house to party. I got upset and blew up about everything. And I told him how I hated that I'm always on the short end of the stick...That he gets the best of both worlds by being able to talk to other girls who just want to fuck with him and then come running back to me when they don't want to be there for him. That makes me feel fucking wonderful. But anyway, so I kept going, saying that I hated how when he's drunk he can spill all these fucking feelings he has for me, but when he's sober that I'm just a fucking nobody that cares way too much about him. I was so upset...And then he says..."I just want to be friends." Killer...Killer. Because I will not be able to do that for him. So I asked the question that I really wanted to know the answer to..."Even when you get your shit straight and figure out what you want...you still want to be friends?" Yes.
So I'm completely heartbroken that this person, that supposedly..."cared about me and loved me" could just throw me out so easily...with no remorse. And still have the nerve to say, "If you want to come over Friday, Let me know". It hurts still, so much...that I could have put so much into something that meant nothing...and meant nothing to someone who doesn't give two shits about me. And to tell me "Becca, please don't be mad" that I just completely ripped your heart out, took a fucking bite out of it and spit it out on the ground and stomped all over it, by telling you everything you wanted to hear and making you think that I actually wanted to be with you.
I told myself I already knew what was going to happen...I was just preparing myself for the day it would happen, not expecting it to be so soon.
I find it funny. So I hung out with Jacob the night after the incident with Nat. I find it funny how I made someone think twice about me. Yes, something happened...and I know he wanted it. Otherwise, he would have stopped me. But for the record, I'm never scared. But he hasn't talked to me in like a week...so it's whatever.
So then Jeff finds me. Jeff...Jeff.. He's cool, he's an anti-facist asian skinhead...haha, interesting mix, eh? So he tells me I'm gorgeous and he'd like to get to know me a little better. I'm attracted to the bad boy look...but this is a real bad..boy. Been to Juvi, tatted up, skinhead in a crew. Oh did I mention he's only 19? Ughhhhh....I've always said that I wouldn't get involved with another kid...but I have...once again. I'm not attached by any mean...but I feel like he's already too attached to me. I need to talk to him about this...I can't be serious with anyone right now...I'm not over Nat 100%. I mean he's cool but it's just fun. I don't want to break his heart...but I feel like it's going to happen. I don't want to lead someone on, like I was lead on. It's a horrible feeling. And he's really a big softie, even though he portrays this hardcore, badass look. And there is one other thing that pisses me off like really bad...but I won't write about it. GRRRR... But anyway, I'm going to have to find a way to do this without completely killing him. But I'm far too brutal to candy coat shit for anyone.
Oh my, oh my. I need to let my fairy tail life story let go, because it doesn't seem like it will come true. | | |
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